I’m sure that each of us can each think of ways we avoid our emotions. I can identify several times this week alone when I’ve zoned out on my phone or put off a task I found daunting. Emotional avoidance is a very reasonable, human way of coping with painful emotions that are often linked in our minds to negative events that we’d prefer to forget. Moreover, emotional avoidance usually does give us some relief, at least in the short-term.

In the long-term, however, being unwilling to experience emotional discomfort constricts our lives, keeps us from solving our problems and achieving our goals, and prevents us from seeing that we are able to tolerate the situations of which we are fearful. If I just keep avoiding my messy house, that mess isn’t going anywhere, and eventually I will restrict myself to the one or two rooms where I’m not reminded of it. Similarly, research supports the notion that the more we try not to experience thoughts, emotions, or sensations, the more those things persist.

So, where does that leave us? For many people, understanding a little more about our emotions better allows us to accept them. The following are some little-known facts about emotions that may help you enhance your understanding of how they work:

• Emotions are there to motivate us for action. You may notice that your strong emotions are often accompanied by powerful urges to act in particular ways (e.g., fight in anger, flee in fear). There are many important and valuable things we likely would avoid without our emotions motivating us to do them. Many acts of heroism during a crisis would not happen, if those performing them had time to allow the intense emotions to pass.
• Through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, emotions communicate important information about your needs, wishes, and preferences to other people and create opportunities for connection. When another person conveys understanding of your feelings, the emotion often diminishes. On the other hand, the emotion is likelier to stick around and even intensify if its message does not seem to get through. Research suggests that when people avoid expressing their emotions, it makes others uncomfortable and less interested in spending time with them.
• Emotions ordinarily occur suddenly, although they may build in intensity over time. They also ebb and flow like waves in the ocean, building to a peak and then dissipating, usually only lasting from seconds to minutes at a time.
• Emotions are self-perpetuating, sensitizing us to related events. For example, after watching a scary movie and feeling afraid, every little sound can seem like an indication of danger. Similarly, you may have had the experience of feeling angry at someone, calming down, and then becoming angry all over again when remembering something they said or did. A good question to ask yourself is, “Am I really having a bad day — or a bad five minutes that I am making last all day?”
• Emotions are involuntary, automatic responses to internal and external events. We don’t choose them. We receive countless cultural messages telling us that we do have control (e.g., experiencing strong emotion makes us weak or will make others feel uncomfortable). But judging ourselves negatively for having painful emotions usually serves to make us feel even more miserable.
• On a similar note, emotions cannot be changed directly. We cannot tell ourselves to feel a particular emotion and then immediately feel it or use willpower to stop an emotional experience even when we desperately want to (e.g., you can’t will yourself to love someone or to stop experiencing grief).
• However, we can influence our emotions in indirect ways. By taking action or changing our perspective we often can change our emotional response. For example, we can remove stressors that create distress or make us more vulnerable (e.g., end toxic relationships, get more sleep, or go to therapy to process painful past events). We can find more balanced ways to see an incident that is upsetting us or we can calm our bodies through working out or relaxation exercises can decrease the emotional intensity.

I’m hoping this quick primer gives you some food for thought when considering how best to proceed when you are experiencing strong emotion. This blog and therapy are both wonderful places to gather more information on responding to our emotions constructively, even when they are painful. If you are interested in learning more, I hope you’ll stop by and chat with us at the Counseling Center.

Susie Musch, Ph.D.

Senior Staff Psychologist

Photo: Universal emotions7 (CC BY 3.0)