Photo by Nsaum75 at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0

A number of years ago I was backpacking through Mexico. I had purchased a bus ticket from Veracruz to Oaxaca. While I showed up at the bus station at the appointed hour, I was dismayed to discover that the bus had already left. My mistake, it turns out, had been to fail to correctly translate military into civilian time. I had arrived at the station two hours late.

It had been my dream to visit Oaxaca ever since reading D.H. Lawrence’s account of his time there and hearing about the pre-Columbian ruins of Monte Alban. Besides, I had a plane to catch in a few days that would take me back to the states. Somehow, I knew I just had to get to Oaxaca.

I took a bus back to Mexico City the next afternoon. In the central bus station, I tried to purchase a forward ticket to Oaxaca. However, it was the Christmas holiday, and there were no seats to be had. After receiving the bad news, I sat down in the middle of the crowded bus station and all but wept that my plans had been dashed by my own stupid mistake.

“What has this to do with happiness?” you might ask.

Much of our happiness, it turns out, seems dependent upon things going our way. For example, getting a grade we want or being admitted into our chosen major. Or the person we are interested in saying “yes” when we ask them on a date. The challenge then is this — what happens when things don’t go our way? This seems to be a regular part of life, isn’t it? Are we then doomed to a life of misery and regret?

I think that it’s important to distinguish between the momentary happiness that comes when our wishes and desires are fulfilled and the more sustained happiness that comes from living an engaged and meaningful life. The second kind of happiness, I think, is what most people really seek, even if they are unaware of it. Who would want their happiness to be based on the whims of situations that are beyond our control? That would build our happiness upon a foundation of sand.

I love this quote from the American spiritual teacher, Vernon Howard: “Do not ask: What can I get to be happy? Switch to, What can I give up in order to cease being unhappy.” And here's another quote: “By ceasing to interfere with your own happiness, it arrives.”

What do you think Mr. Howard means by this? One idea that comes to mind is that we are often too weighed down by our own thoughts, feelings and memories to let happiness in or to engage fully with life. Sometimes what’s needed is work on our self-image, to update the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. If we have been hurt in the past, we may need to tell our story to a compassionate other so that we can heal from it and move on with our lives. Or maybe we need to cut the clutter out of our lives and focus on what is most important to us.

Here are a few more thoughts on the art of happiness:

• Find something in the world that you love and focus your energies and efforts on that.
• Spend more time with the people and places that fulfill and enrich you and less time with the people and places that drain you.
• Take time each day to think about what you are grateful for.
• Cultivate ways to bring yourself into the present moment. Creating art, meditation, playing sports, spending time in nature are a few activities that come to mind.
• Hold ideas you have about yourself loosely. Remember, Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.

And when reality is not going your way, keep in mind that the wheel of satisfaction and disappointment will keep turning. As I was lying in a puddle of self-pity on the floor of the central bus station, the clerk who had given me crushing news minutes before now approached and said that he had one seat left on an overnight bus to Oaxaca. Grabbing my backpack, I followed him out to the line of idling coaches and slipped into a vehicle packed with mostly local travelers. Thirty minutes later I was racing into the dark Mexican landscape, nodding off to the sounds of shuffling and snoring, the purr of the wheels flying over the cracked pavement, and dreams of Zapotec warriors dancing into the feverish night.

Mark Evans, Ph.D.

Senior Staff Psychologist