“Am I doing counseling correctly?” is a question I’ve heard more than once. My answer is that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do counseling. Honoring your own process and journey is important and although your counselor will challenge you at times, they will work with you at your own pace. With experience, counseling can feel more familiar and even for individuals who have been in counseling before it is normal to still feel unsure of “how to do counseling” sometimes. I mean, the whole counseling situation is a bit unusual. If you think about it, you meet a potential stranger trained as a professional listener with whom you share personal stuff without really knowing them. Of course, that’s not all there is to counseling, but when you think about relationships in general, you both usually share stuff to get to know each other. So, feeling unsure of the counseling experience is OK, and it’s OK to tell your counselor about it. Although there is no right or wrong way to do counseling, there are some things that usually help make the experience a bit more helpful to you.
Before giving you some tips on how to make the most out of your counseling experience, I would first like to mention that the counseling experience is different for everyone and everyone has different levels of motivation, different needs and goals, as well as different levels of readiness to engage in counseling. Keep in mind that progress is not linear and that having bumps along the road doesn’t mean progress isn’t being made (it can actually signal progress in counseling!). Even when you achieve the amount of progress or goals you wanted, it is important to still find ways to maintain that. For example, after you recover from a cold you might get a cold again, which is why it is important to still practice healthy habits like consuming Vitamin C or wearing a jacket when it’s cold outside. Mental health is similar, you might go to counseling to find better ways to manage your stress, for instance, but after you learn how to do that it will still be important to practice what you learned.
Whether you’ve been to counseling before or thinking of going for the first time, here are some things that may be helpful to maximize your counseling sessions:
- Think about what you hope to get out of your counseling sessions: It’s OK if you are not 100-percent sure about what you need or want. Your counselor will work with you to figure out goals, but it does help when you reflect on what you hope to get. If someone suggested you seek counseling, think about why they encouraged you to do so.
- Be honest: Your counselor wants to help you and being honest even when it might feel challenging can really help your counselor better understand you and what you might need. Try to be aware of your response/reactions to questions or comments, many times those can be hints to topics that are worth exploring even when you are unsure of sharing. If you find yourself saying “I don’t know/I’m not sure” frequently, challenge yourself and try and see if you can dig a little deeper within yourself.
- Embrace your feelings: Whatever you feel during counseling, allow yourself to feel even if it might feel uncomfortable for you. Being vulnerable can be scary for some people and that’s normal. Treat feelings with curiosity and compassion, they usually ask something of us and knowing what that is requires you to sit with them and talk about them with your counselor.
- Listen to your thoughts: Thoughts can be tricky and they can sneak up on you before you know it. Counseling can be helpful to increase your awareness of that mind-heart connection and it can be quite powerful. When engaging in counseling, try to be aware of what you think throughout your days and what you experience during counseling; many times, counseling can be the pause you need in the week to be more mindful of your thoughts.
- Communicate: It’s OK to tell your counselor what works and doesn’t work for you. You can both brainstorm ideas that fit your needs and you are welcome to also make suggestions. If talking about some topics is difficult, it’s OK to let your counselor know. You can try to write and then read (or have the counselor read) what you wrote. If you want to include art, poetry, or music lyrics to help communicate what you need it is OK to be creative.
- Take care of yourself during counseling: Feeling emotionally and/or physically exhausted after a counseling session is quite normal and common. Depending on what you work on it might be a good idea to have some buffer time before and/or after sessions. Counseling is hard work and having self-compassion for your journey is just as important. Honor your process and give yourself breaks as needed. For example, you can try engaging in something that is soothing for you after a session like listening to music, talking to a loved one, watching a video, writing down your thoughts/reactions after a session, or just standing and doing a couple of stretches.
Remember, it may take a while to get where you want to be, so being kind to yourself is very important. Think of a child who is learning something for the first time, do you think they will learn best if they are yelled and scolded every time they do a mistake or if they are treated with patience and kindness while they are explained what to do? All things that grow require time and so do you. So, if you (or someone you know) are thinking of going to counseling for the first time, or returning to counseling after a long hiatus, keep some of these tips in mind and think about what you would like to work on in between sessions so you have an idea of where to start for the next one. Regardless, you are not alone, the counselors at the University Counseling Services can help if you are unsure where to start.
Monica Becerra, MA
Doctoral Intern